When It Comes To Divorce, British Dads At A Disadvantage

British family court judges rarely see the children involved in custody cases, relying on reports by child welfare officers. These are overwhelmingly parole officers, whose specialty is dealing with convicted criminals. It is highly unusual for a judge to contradict their recommendations. There have even been cases where the courts acknowledged a man has been a good and involved father, but refused contact because the mother says that would make her unhappy.

There was the case of a father who had been phoning his children most every night for six years. Suddenly, the court restricted him to calling just twice a month because the mother insisted his calls were “disruptive to the household routine.” The court also refused him permission to give his children cell phones.

The Children’s Act of 1989 passed by Parliament was intended to promote shared parenting, but with few exceptions, the family courts have interpreted the law otherwise. Joint custody or ‘shared residence’ is almost never considered a viable option by family judges, even if that is the expressed desire of the children.

When fathers are awarded time with their children, it is still up to the mother to open the door. The courts rarely punish mothers who ignore court orders and ultimately many fathers get worn down and give up.

A 1998 government paper indicates that 40% of separated mothers admit to blocking contact. There has been no indication of a positive change since then.

The Daily Telegraph newspaper recently quoted a family court judge as saying, “A father spent $120,000 to secure a defined court order.” But the mother ignored it, refused contact and now “the father is penniless and the case is still unresolved.”

Another judge conceded, “Enforcement of an order repeatedly contravened is extremely difficult. Fines and imprisonment of offending mothers are detrimental to the child.”

This is deemed more important than the detrimental effect blocked access has to the children’s relationship with the father. It also undermines the presumption that justice should be blind.

Far too often the courts ignore research showing a father’s involvement is directly linked to how a child turns out.

According to a British government report, “Boys who feel their fathers devote time and talk to them about their worries almost all emerge as motivated and optimistic men. Early father involvement protects against delinquency later. A father’s involvement in children’s education at age 7 predicts higher educational attainment by age 20 in both boys and girls.”

The elementary school in London that refused to send a father information unless he provided the postage stamps is more the reality on the ground, and sends the dad a strong message about how he is perceived.

When Sir Bob Geldof, the anti-poverty campaigner and former Boomtown Rat was divorced, he lost access to his three daughters and was plunged into ‘an ocean of grief.’ Geldof said, expressing the emotions of many, “it freaked me out. I could not live without my kids. I just wanted to go to some dark grey corner of the world and howl into the void.”

Geldof was ultimately awarded custody of his children after a drug raid on their mothers home. She has since died of a drug overdose, and he has since adopted the child she had with Michael Hutchence, the INXS band member who hanged himself.

Geldof is an outspoken critic of family courts and once said he’d received 70 large garbage bags filled with letters from desperate fathers. Is it surprising then that a BBC survey found that a quarter of British children do not consider their fathers immediate family?

There are a growing number of support groups such as ‘Families Need Fathers’ that also lobby for change. At their meetings it is heart breaking to see the cancer of the men’s loss eating away at them, as they tell their story and look to others for a bit of advice and a shred of hope.

While it is true some fathers do not want to have contact with their children, there are more than enough who do but can’t, who are not abusive, drunks, addicts, or deadbeat dads, and who pay their child support.

In the movies, dad ends up being able to see his kids (albeit through the benevolence of the ex-wife), but real life is not like Kramer vs. Kramer and Mrs Doubtfire, that’s why this holiday season, many British children and their fathers won’t be celebrating together.